Q: Doctor, I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?!
A: Your heart is only
good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise..
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on
meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp
logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my
alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine
is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water
out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is
also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my
body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a
body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bod, your
ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the
advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a
single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad
for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT
LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help
prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When
you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for
me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! Feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for
your figure?
A: If swimming is good
for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape
important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a
shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a
journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who
watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting nutritional stud.
1. The Japanese eat very
little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot
of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very
little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a
lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a
lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
CONCLUSION :
Eat and drink what you
like.
Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.
HAHAHAHAHA