Saturday, September 29, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
His Dreams Come True!
One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
As the speck gets closer
and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman in a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches him and asks seductively, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
So she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and after a long drag, says, "Man, oh man!...Is that ever good!"
She then seductively inquires "How long has it
been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"
So she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, then pulls out a flask, and gives it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely
fantastic!"
After
this she starts to slowly undue the long zipper running down the front
of her wet suit, pauses and looks at him seductively,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The poor guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Damn! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Indian Government Imposes 5 SMS Per Day Limit For The Next 15 Days
In a very insane move by the Indian
Government, a limit of 5 sms per day has been imposed on GSM and CDMA mobile
users of India. From August 18, 2012, mobile users can send only 5 sms per day
to the maximum after which the messages don’t get delivered with a prompt
indication from the mobile operator.
The move was made by TRAI (Telecom
Regulatory Authority of India) to curb the spread of rumors which was meant to
spread fear and to vacate North Eastern Indian’s from certain states. Home
Ministry said that the rumors led to the flee of North East Indian’s from
states like Andhra Pradesh, Karnataka and Maharashtra and hence the move was
necessary. The rumor SMSs contained misleading information related to Assam
Violence
The restriction does not apply on
the transaction SMS related to Banking, Financial Institutions and Railway
alerts.
Moreover, one cannot send more than
20 KB of data, not more than 5 MMS per day as well. According to some reports,
the rule has not yet been implemented by Airtel, in some parts of the country.
When the 6th message was tried from
Aircel, the following message was sent by the operator.
“Due to Govt. directives, More than
5 SMS per day are blocked. Please retry tomorrow. Anticipate your
co-operation.”
Other operators will come up with a
similar message ” Hi! You have sent 5 SMS today. As per Govt. guidelines, you
can’t send more than 5 SMS today. Your SMS services will be resumed post
Midnight.”
No inputs about what the existing
users will do about their SMS Booster Packs which allows them to send 100 or
200 SMS per day depending on the pack. The money won’t be refunded and the
validity of the pack can’t be extended either!
It’s a very disappointing news for
Indian Youngsters! There seems to be no point in curbing the SMS limit to 5 per
when already there has been a limit of 200 per day.
There are plenty of Alternatives
available. If you are an Android or iPhone User, you can install WhatsApp,
Viber Apps for free unlimited texting over the Internet, provided the receiving
user also has that App installed on their mobile with proper access to the
Internet.
A Confession
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Friday, August 17, 2012
Business is Business
One day at kindergarten, a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds,
'I'll give $5 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.'
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Patrick.'
A little Irish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Patrick.'
The Teacher said, 'Sorry Sean, that's not correct.'
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Andrew.'
The Teacher replied, 'I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.'
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, 'It was Jesus Christ.'
Then a little Scottish boy put his hand up and said, 'It was St. Andrew.'
The Teacher replied, 'I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.'
Finally, a little Jewish boy raised his hand and said, 'It was Jesus Christ.'
The teacher said, 'That's absolutely right,Marvin.
Come up here and I'll give you the $5.'
Come up here and I'll give you the $5.'
As the Teacher was giving Marvin his money,
Marvin replied, 'Well. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Are We Gonna End Up Like This??
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
---------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
---------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
---------------------------
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
---------------------------
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
---------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
---------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
---------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
---------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
---------------------------
And One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'
---------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
---------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
---------------------------
I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
---------------------------
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
---------------------------
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
---------------------------
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
---------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
---------------------------
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
---------------------------
And One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Now , before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh.
Monday, August 13, 2012
I LOVE THIS DOCTOR
Q: Doctor, I've heard
that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?!
A: Your heart is only
good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise..
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it
faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on
meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp
logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these?
Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of
delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a
good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give
you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my
alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine
is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, which means they take the water
out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is
also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my
body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a
body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bod, your
ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the
advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a
single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad
for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT
LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're
permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help
prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When
you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you
want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for
me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! Feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for
your figure?
A: If swimming is good
for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape
important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a
shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
about food and diets.
And remember:
'Life should NOT be a
journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and
well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand -
chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'
AND......
For those of you who
watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting nutritional stud.
1. The Japanese eat very
little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot
of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very
little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a
lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a
lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks
than Americans.
CONCLUSION :
Eat and drink what you
like.
Speaking English is
apparently what kills you.HAHAHAHAHA
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